About this deal
One of the most interesting, and least explored, concepts covered in the chronology or pattern of behavior. Here's my take: I knew this was a classic of the genre, but I found myself unimpressed by it. Maybe I came at it with the wrong expectations? I was thinking of "co-dependency" in a more generic sense — say, the way a married couple can be enmeshed and lose their boundaries with each other. Beattie's book instead seems dated to me, bound up as it is with the classic origins of the term "co-dependence" in the partners of alcoholics. Go in, eyes wide open. Don't worry about what will occur and when. The things we worry about aren't usually the ones that happen. The things that cause the most pain will catch us by surprise some ordinary Saturday afternoon, and life will never again be the same." You can find a wide spectrum of people who run through life without a compass, always seeking comfort and approval. Different theories exist about what causes this obsession to surface, but we are interested in more than just theories. First, you have to understand the group of people that is prone to this way of life. They exhibit insecure submissiveness and, almost always, you can see them prioritize their feelings.
I want to be very clear, though - I am NOT telling other people to abandon or avoid 12 Steps work if that is what they choose to engage for themselves. Nor am I discounting the experiences of those who feel they benefit from it - recovery and benefit are valuable however they come to any individual. My concern is the presumptuous presentation style of this book's contents, which seems to imply that healing codependence issues (or alcoholism, etc) is dependent on adherence to the 12 Steps - as if codependency is inextricably linked with 12 Steps view of illness and addiction, which is potentially damaging nonsense, in my view.I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy. Okay, enough of explanations. I thought the concepts covered in these books were eye-opening and instructive. I think it's a great paradigm to explore. However, I think a better book could be written. Codependent No More is essentially the Go To book about codependency. I found it well written, but somewhat rambling and repetitive. (Somewhat like this blog?) Just as I found myself intrigued by a concept, the author would go into some lengthy story that only partially made sense to me, as somebody who has never dealt with an alcoholic or chemically dependent person. I actually enjoyed Beyond Codependency more because it dealt more with solutions to the problem than lengthy descriptions. Once I "got it," I "got it" and was bored with further detail in the first book. Much of this book references alcoholism (people often develop codependent behaviors in response to having an addict in their lives), and while that is not what brought about my codependent behaviors, I still found this book to be really helpful. I imagine that it could be particularly resonant for those actually in that situation. Codependent No More, written by Melody Beattie, is an inspiring novel for those that suffer the repercussions from or cause the problems that are associated with alcoholism and other addictions. I was greatly inspired by the advice that Beattie shared. She gives many examples of individuals who have struggled with codependency. The greatest aspect of Beattie's writing is the ability it has to help the reader to do a self-assessment. She lists off beliefs that codependents form because of their situations. She also gives healthy tools to help readers change these unhelpful beliefs and helps them to see that there is a better way that life can be lived. Everyone deserves to feel loved.
It’s time for forgiveness and letting people move on to be who they are. We can alleviate some of the burdens we tend to carry, and I’m learning that life is too short to carry unnecessary weight. We areresponsible for ourselves. What are you asking me to do? They tend to victimize themselves as as they are believed to be an easy mark for any form of abuse. The magic lies in understanding that pleasing others is not going to be enough. Perceiving yourself as the underdog in the arena is harmful, people will notice your weakness and will try to seize upon the opportunity. it was essential to trust myself. I learned that if something felt right to me, I could trust my impressions." Learn how to lean on yourself, find out what needs to be done to detach from these habitual tendencies, and you’ll see a significant change right away.I was first introduced to the term "codependent" by my therapist a little over a year ago. I remember being flabberghasted. "NOT ME! I'm the most financially independent woman there is. I don't need a man or anyone for that matter!" Don't feel hesitation for demonstrating their rage about injustices done to others but shy away from applying that same logic under circumstances that cause disturbance to them. What’s not good? When “a person who relies upon a codependent does not learn how to have an equal, two-sided relationship and often comes to rely upon another person’s sacrifices and neediness.” Going Forward to a Healthier Relationship Be present each moment for yourself and the people you love. Grace is like breathing. We can't get ahead of ourselves; we only get the breath we need now, and we only get one breath at a time." Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior.